how and why

Whom have I in heaven but you?

And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but you are the strength of my heart

and my portion forever...

For me, it is good to be near God.

I have made the Lord God

my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.

-Psalm 73

As I write this, I am awaiting news regarding an application to a craft fair that I applied to and really wanted to be a part of. I have no idea whether or not they will accept me. I am thinking that they won't, because the jury met on the 26th and the wording on the website says that those who have been accepted will be notified on the 28th. I think I probably would already know.

This, combined with numerous other obstacles in my creative and money-making efforts, have brought some questions of doubt into my heart that have been developing over the last few months. Why am I doing all this? Is this some huge effort to build a kingdom of dirt that will one day be meaningless? When the thorny issues of pride and selfishness come into play, what does that mean for the overall mission of my life? How is this affecting my relationship with my husband and daughter? Is this a worthwhile use of my time? Should I try to find a 'real job'? Is money the motivating factor here? Is the motivation of why I am who I am, doing what I am doing, coming across at all? Does anyone really care? Should I move away from being so overt about Jesus and instead try to be more 'winsome'?

In all my efforts, I sometimes feel like it may just be worthless striving. As I have been working on my blog and the general direction it is heading, I have been struggling with all of these doubts. Feelings of incompetency and fear have been influencing my thought life way too much. I came broken to God this morning with tears. I talked with him. I cried out for guidance and help. I read this Psalm, and I am reminded who I am and why I am doing what I am doing with my life.

My identity is unalterably built on God. I am who I am because of him. He has forever changed me, and everything I do is a working out of all that he is working into me. My life reflects my relationship with him, and it tells the truth about God to the world. It says things like-- yes, I am broken and incredibly limited, but God is good and sovereign. Yes, I am struggling with trying to be honest about who God is and what my life looks like because of knowing him through my blog and sometimes it doesn't come across, but God uses his witnesses is ways that we will never know. He is just that good. He breaks into people's lives and creates beauty out of ashes, and the world sees. The truth is that these things have value, even if they never grow into anything more than what they are right now, because they reflect the work of God in my life. He doesn't save people for us all to become the same person. He made me who I am, and I reflect him in a way another life may not. God uses individual people to reach other individual people.

I stay home instead of going out to get a job because I want to be with my daughter during the day. This is Trevor's and my wholehearted desire. Even though we struggle financially, being able to be with her as she grows and changes, shaping her heart and little life, is the most valuable thing I could do with my time. Being at home gives me the opportunity to do all of these things with her, and Piper is included in this God-centered lifestyle of productivity, creativity, hand-made traditions, resourcefulness, and frugality. Or at least that is what I hope for. I guess I am saying all of this because as I have struggles with what my life could look like as a person who loves and knows God, I have wanted so much to talk with others about their own struggle to figure this out. I don't have alot of chances to do that right now. The few that come my way are precious, even if they involve me sending responses to emails that maybe don't require responses just so I can lure a friend into talking with me... she would totally talk with me being the kind soul that she is, but she didn't know me that well yet (thanks Ashlie!) But maybe through my blog, by sharing my life even in this small way that I can do right now, others will be encouraged and helped. It helps me too to put my thoughts and life down in writing. It gives these things some level of permanency. It is a record of God's good care of me. I hope Piper will have these things printed out one day (that is the plan). I hope these things reflect the story God is telling in my life, and that through that, people will be pointed to God.

My life right now is not one of success in the craft industry or photography industry from a financial or professional point of view. It is kinda small in a lot of ways. But God really is making it into something beautiful, and that has eternal weight. I am comforted in this time of disappointment by knowing him and seeing him work. He really is all I have, and everything I've ever wanted I found in him.

I included at the top some images of our little nest that Trevor, Piper, and I have, over time made into our home. We collected vintage things, handmade things, and some Ikea things to decorate it and make it ours. It is a wonderful space for us. It is bright and colorful, perfect for our community meals and having friends over, and it is home.