a mind toward January

I took these pictures of Piper across the culdesac in a small grove of crepe myrtles. This was the day we were going out to look at the farm. This was my best shot for giving her play time outside... Piper loves to be outside, and our efforts to give her time to play usually involved driving her to a park or just letting her play in the front of the house while I sat with her.


I remember being pregnant with her, thinking about my childhood and the things that I loved most, and trying to figure out how I could give her those things... I remember my hopes for her childhood, the ones I had when I first found out that she was going to be with us. Sometimes it is easy to forget those hopes when I get lost in the day in, day out rhythm of our life. Thinking about my life now, I feel like my life is crowded. The work that I do has been a sort of burden lately because I have to do it... I don't have a choice, and it doesn't matter if I feel passionate about what I am doing or making. The need to work keeps me from being able to take Piper places and show her things the way that I want to. The presence of media in my life is something that I love at times because it is human interaction and creatively valuable... but more often, it is so unsatisfying because it is surface-level and one-sided. 


I have native blood that is crying out for home-- my soul cries out for its Maker. I was meant for home. My home is with God. This dissatisfaction is all part of the reality that I was not meant for broken relationships, unsatisfying work, idols that leave me empty, and frustration with my inability to make my life the way I want it to be. I was meant for God whose love makes me noble and free. I want my life to be about re-telling his goodness in the things that I make and do. I want to be joyfully present with my husband and join him on this adventure God has given us... remembering our love and how crazy I was about him when we first met. I want my relationship with my daughter to be about honoring his image in her and giving her every opportunity to grow. I want to be intentional about my life... to be intentional about being with people, giving them my love and time, because they are/their life is so valuable. It's valuable because they were made for home too.


And I want to move onto a farm, where my girl can run free and turn brown in the summer. Where we can build things as a family and grow our own food. Where we can save money, live frugally, and I wouldn't need to work all the time... I could have time to sew dresses for Piper. Where Trevor can have freedom and space to grow despite the stress of law school. Where I can be intentional about living. Where maybe one day broken people can come to heal and be made whole... a whole community of sinners saved by God's mercy and grace. It won't be a quick fix. Nothing will be completely fixed until we are home. But it is a start. I look forward with anticipation to the end of December, celebrating the advent of our Maker who will come again to bring us home and hopefully finding out news about a move to a farm.