happy 4th

We've been busy sewing and playing. It's a little rainy outside today-- it reminds me of Portland :)

We're headed up to Columbia, SC this weekend to celebrate the 4th and Trevor's mom's birthday. I'm also hoping to connect with my friend Alli and her sweet daughter Poppy.

Happy Independence Day everyone! Hope you celebrate well :)

I got accepted!!

Indie Craft Parade from Indie Craft Parade on Vimeo.

I just found out I was accepted in the 'to wear' category of the Indie Craft Parade!

I'll be selling women's and children's clothing and accessories in Greeneville, SC on Sept 10-11, 2010. I am so excited. This is a huge opportunity for me.

I was SURE that because it was so late in the day, I was denied.

Yay!

Lots to do :)

how and why

Whom have I in heaven but you?

And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but you are the strength of my heart

and my portion forever...

For me, it is good to be near God.

I have made the Lord God

my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.

-Psalm 73

As I write this, I am awaiting news regarding an application to a craft fair that I applied to and really wanted to be a part of. I have no idea whether or not they will accept me. I am thinking that they won't, because the jury met on the 26th and the wording on the website says that those who have been accepted will be notified on the 28th. I think I probably would already know.

This, combined with numerous other obstacles in my creative and money-making efforts, have brought some questions of doubt into my heart that have been developing over the last few months. Why am I doing all this? Is this some huge effort to build a kingdom of dirt that will one day be meaningless? When the thorny issues of pride and selfishness come into play, what does that mean for the overall mission of my life? How is this affecting my relationship with my husband and daughter? Is this a worthwhile use of my time? Should I try to find a 'real job'? Is money the motivating factor here? Is the motivation of why I am who I am, doing what I am doing, coming across at all? Does anyone really care? Should I move away from being so overt about Jesus and instead try to be more 'winsome'?

In all my efforts, I sometimes feel like it may just be worthless striving. As I have been working on my blog and the general direction it is heading, I have been struggling with all of these doubts. Feelings of incompetency and fear have been influencing my thought life way too much. I came broken to God this morning with tears. I talked with him. I cried out for guidance and help. I read this Psalm, and I am reminded who I am and why I am doing what I am doing with my life.

My identity is unalterably built on God. I am who I am because of him. He has forever changed me, and everything I do is a working out of all that he is working into me. My life reflects my relationship with him, and it tells the truth about God to the world. It says things like-- yes, I am broken and incredibly limited, but God is good and sovereign. Yes, I am struggling with trying to be honest about who God is and what my life looks like because of knowing him through my blog and sometimes it doesn't come across, but God uses his witnesses is ways that we will never know. He is just that good. He breaks into people's lives and creates beauty out of ashes, and the world sees. The truth is that these things have value, even if they never grow into anything more than what they are right now, because they reflect the work of God in my life. He doesn't save people for us all to become the same person. He made me who I am, and I reflect him in a way another life may not. God uses individual people to reach other individual people.

I stay home instead of going out to get a job because I want to be with my daughter during the day. This is Trevor's and my wholehearted desire. Even though we struggle financially, being able to be with her as she grows and changes, shaping her heart and little life, is the most valuable thing I could do with my time. Being at home gives me the opportunity to do all of these things with her, and Piper is included in this God-centered lifestyle of productivity, creativity, hand-made traditions, resourcefulness, and frugality. Or at least that is what I hope for. I guess I am saying all of this because as I have struggles with what my life could look like as a person who loves and knows God, I have wanted so much to talk with others about their own struggle to figure this out. I don't have alot of chances to do that right now. The few that come my way are precious, even if they involve me sending responses to emails that maybe don't require responses just so I can lure a friend into talking with me... she would totally talk with me being the kind soul that she is, but she didn't know me that well yet (thanks Ashlie!) But maybe through my blog, by sharing my life even in this small way that I can do right now, others will be encouraged and helped. It helps me too to put my thoughts and life down in writing. It gives these things some level of permanency. It is a record of God's good care of me. I hope Piper will have these things printed out one day (that is the plan). I hope these things reflect the story God is telling in my life, and that through that, people will be pointed to God.

My life right now is not one of success in the craft industry or photography industry from a financial or professional point of view. It is kinda small in a lot of ways. But God really is making it into something beautiful, and that has eternal weight. I am comforted in this time of disappointment by knowing him and seeing him work. He really is all I have, and everything I've ever wanted I found in him.

I included at the top some images of our little nest that Trevor, Piper, and I have, over time made into our home. We collected vintage things, handmade things, and some Ikea things to decorate it and make it ours. It is a wonderful space for us. It is bright and colorful, perfect for our community meals and having friends over, and it is home.

bruise

Editor's note: This post was written by Trevor. The images show the incident itself, and also Piper's newfound fascination with crawling into the baskets placed at various locations in our home. She likes to get up in them and just kinda hang out for a while. She has a hard time getting down, though. Forgive the blurry/grainy quality of the images :)

"My little baby girl got her first real bruise today. She was playing at her new table and chairs set when our mannequin, Eunice, fell and hit poor Piper on the face! Paige and I just heard a loud crash and boom and ran into the living room to see Piper standing toe to toe with the now-felled Eunice. After a big family hug and some words of encouragement, Paige took some pictures of the quickly swelling boo-boo. We then performed a quick re-enactment (complete with howling cry) just to give you, the reader, the full effect. (see below)

I began to think about my little girl's bruise and how this will probably be the first of many, and by no means the biggest or the most painful. She'll be bruised worse yet as a child at play, her self-security will be punished as she ventures through her adolescence and on into adulthood where relationships become increasingly complex and people are more vulnerable. She'll be bruised a lot. And as her father, I am going to have to watch this happen to my little girl and be torn that I couldn't stop her pain, that I couldn't take it upon myself. If Eunice were to have hit me in the head (a much easier task given the magnitude of my dome), the bruise would have been slight given my history and experience. But to piper, it was the worst!

I am driven by my daughter's pain to the Cross where my Savior took all of mine, my Father was able to save me from the Hell I had coming. Amazing...so practically, I can see the Holy Spirit at work in my heart because I share the Father's desire to save my children with my life, and I recognize that desire as God-given. His grace is abundant even in our pain.

Piper is a little trooper. She took it on the cheek like a champ, and will live to take on Eunice another day."

four years, now a father

Trevor,

Happy Anniversary, and happy Father's day. I love you so much! I am so happy to be your wife,, and to be caring for sweet Piper with you. I love the gospel dreams that you have for our family. I love your boldness. I love the way you stretch me. Your love for me has made me the woman I am today. Every day is an adventure with you, and I am so thankful that God gave us this life together! I wouldn't trade a minute I've been given with you for anything-- even the hard times, maybe especially the hard times. You know me, understand me, and love me even my in my weakness, and I have seen more of the Father's love for me through you. I love the humble way you guide our family. You always encourage us to look to Jesus, and because of that I have grown in my walk with Christ tremendously. You always are quick to forgive and to put an offense behind you. You are so tender-hearted and compassionate. I am amazed at the work God has done in you and is doing in our family. You are a beautiful father, and you love Piper SO much. I love you, I love the man you've become, and I can't wait to see what else God has for us. Thank you for working so hard for us, for being so committed to us living out the gospel together, for your vision for us. You are a tremendous gift in my life, and I am so thankful.

piper's party

Trevor and I were so thrilled to have a birthday party for sweet Piper here in our home. We wanted this to be a time of handmade celebration... handmade things are very special to us, and we wanted Piper's party to be filled with them! It turned out beautiful. I made the tissue pom poms and t-shirt ball, designed the invitations and stationary, made the photo mosaic of her first year of life, and contributed some of my vintage milk glass for the table setting. My mom made the cake and brought even more milk glass from the antique store on the way into town. My sister made Piper's outfit and hat.

I just want to share some thoughts on the 'why' of handmade traditions, and also the 'why' of crafting and beautifying in general. There is so much I would like to say on this subject! These thoughts may be a little disjointed.

There is a quote by Francis Schaeffer hanging on the front of my refrigerator. I have written about it before, but I want to include it again: "The arts and sciences DO have a place in the Christian life-- they are not peripheral. For a Christian, redeemed by the work of Christ and living within the norms of Scripture and under the leadership of the Holy Spirit, the Lordship of Christ should include an interest in the arts. A Christian should use these things to the glory of God-- not just as tracts, but as things of beauty to the praise of God. And art can be a doxology in itself." I also wrote in that previous post about the role of art and creativity in my life. There have been times in my life where I shunned beauty, and there have been times in my life where I was prevented from beholding art or being creative. The more that I come to know Christ and grow in grace, the more I see how beautiful he is. He defines beauty; he is the reason we have a sense of what beauty is, a longing for beauty, even a need for it. He truly is the Beautiful One. I think that as fallen people, our creativity has several functions. It points others to behold the One who is the author of beauty. My hope is that when people take in art, they are pointed to the One who created human beings with the capacity to create like he does. I love that I can be like my Creator when I am creating. Yet this creating is done out of weakness. Everything I make bears markers that reflect my finiteness, my brokenness. Out of my weakness, I create imperfect things that are feeble attempts to talk about Beauty with another language. Even in this weakness, Christ is magnified. These things that I create are not in themselves eternal. They do not last. They can only capture tiny reflections of the Light. Christ himself is the only one who can satisfy our longing for beauty. I hope that these non-eternal things can be used for eternal purposes. I hope that my home, my pictures, my sewn garments, anything that I make draws people to Christ.

So what's the deal with the handmade emphasis? Our thinking on this subject has several components, some of which are just immensely practical. We are on a very small budget, and being able to purchase components from the thrift store or Dollar Store to make lovely things for our home and bodies works well. Taking a vintage sheet that was donated because the owner no longer wanted it and turning it into a cute blouse is just plain cool. It speaks to me of redemption and rescue-- these are gospel truths. And it is a wonderful thing to do together! Piper loves to help me. She has her own little box of trim, ribbons, and notions that are toddler-safe that she loves to play in. It bring my husband so much joy to see the pretty things I have made with very little money. He loves to be in our home. Finally, giving the people we love something we made with our own hands is such a special thing. It is intimate and personal. Here is a note that I wrote Piper as I made her birthday decorations:

"What a happy day we celebrate in honor of you first year of life! You are a beautiful person already; I love spending our days together, and I look forward with anticipation to the woman you will become. I want to tell you that I designed these notecards, and your Dad and I cut them out by hand. They have imperfectly trimmed edges, and each card has a different shape. But each of them is beautiful-- even in their imperfection, they reflect (maybe even more poignantly so) the intent of their creator. This is true of our lives as human beings as well. We are works of art-- created to reflect the beauty of the mind of our Creator. Yet we are broken-- there is pain. We hurt. We hurt each other. We are sinners. But the truth, the amazing truth, is that even our brokenness speaks of the mercy and grace of God, because he pursues his creation with his love and longs to bless us. More than anything, I want you to see as you grow older the grace of God in the lives of people. He takes broken, imperfect lives and turns them into works of art. I love you my dear!!"

Am I saying that everybody should everybody live this way? No! They are just something that we as a family are passionate about. We have so much joy in knowing Christ, and we want to share that joy through our creativity and art. I would love to hear any thoughts you (few) readers may have to share! Also, do you want to see the tutorials for the tissue pom poms and the t-shirt ball (the white thing behind the cake plate amongst the frames)? Leave me a comment and I will post them.

my birthday

This year Piper and spent our birthdays in the mountains of East Tennessee. We stayed in a log cabin on the top of a foothill. It had an amazing view. I had been wanting to spend some time alone with God because we were in such a beautiful place and because being there reminded me of when God first broke into my life in late summer/early fall 2005. Also, I had been reading A Praying Life by Paul Miller along with some of the women in my church... it really is such an encouraging, wonderful book. These are some of the words that were sticking in my mind and heart:

"Prayer is all about relationship. It's intimate and hints at eternity... Prayer is simply the medium through which we experience and connect with God. Oddly enough, many people struggle to learn how to pray because they are focusing on praying, not on God. Making prayer the center is like making conversation the center of a family mealtime. In prayer, focusing on the conversation is like trying to drive while looking at the windshield instead of through it. It freezes us, making us unsure of where to go. Conversation is only the vehicle through which we experience one another. Consequently, prayer is not the center of this book. Getting to know a person, God, is the center" (p20).

"People often talk about prayer as if it is disconnected from what God is doing in their lives. But we are actors in his drama, listening for our lines, quieting our hearts so we can hear the voice of the Playwright. You can't have a good story without tension and conflict, without things going wrong. Unanswered prayer creates some of the tensions in the story God is weaving in our lives... If God is composing a story with our lives, then our lives are no longer static. We aren't paralyzed by life; we can hope... By spending time with out Father in prayer, we integrate our lives with his, with what he is doing in us. Our lives become more coherent. They feel calmer, more ordered, even in the midst of confusion and pressure" (pp 22-23).

With these words, and many more, God was working on my heart and showing me that I had (once again) forgotten to be in relationship with him and instead was constantly worried about how I was performing. I think the emphasis on penal substitutionary atonement in the theology I have studied can sometimes leave me only seeing my standing with God in a legal sense. God has compassionately shown me over and over again that there is a fullness to his love for me... this relationship is so much deeper, more intimate, more pervasive and all-encompassing than the narrow pattern of behavior analysis that I fall into.

Struggling with these things, I was also confronted with the busy-ness and commercialism of what Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg, TN have become. Picture tons of stores, tourist attractions, mini-theme parks, putt-putt, restaurants, and deadlocked traffic right next to the pristine beauty of Smoky Mountain National Forest. The contrast is striking. I am not criticizing these places; lots of people love vacationing there, and we had a wonderful time. But struggling as I was with my worries and fears while being in the middle of it all made me so tired. Plus my little girl really did not want to be in the car that weekend. I felt so weary.

The morning of my birthday came. Piper woke up to eat, and Trevor told me to get dressed while he fed her. He had arranged for my mom and dad to watch her for the morning. His plan was to take me out for breakfast. We drove into town, sat down in one of the chain restaurants on the strip, looked at out menus, looked at each other, got up, and walked out. We needed to have some quiet. We got in the car and drove the opposite direction from Pigeon Forge, into the country, towards the town he played golf in the day before. We drove for half an hour, and it was a beautiful drive. Everything was green and the sunlight was shining through the leaves into little hollers with neat homesteads tucked between hills. The road followed next to a winding river. We eventually saw an area with two restaurants, and we headed for the one closest to the river. It was a wood-sided, rustic building with Christmas lights hanging from the porch. We knew it was the place for us when we saw that they served Left Hand Milk Stout and Old Rasputin Imperial Stout, among other choice craft beers (not that we were planning to drink that early in the morning, but it tells you something about the place if they serve such excellent beer.) They weren't open for brunch until 10, so we had an hour. We got back in the car and drove into the hills. Winding along the mountain road, we drove for twenty minutes as the country became more and more rural. Then we saw the edge of a field with manicured rows of planted flowers. The fence along the road, the grass, everything about the place was well-tended and beautiful. We kept driving and saw pathways winding through a huge garden, leading up a hill to a massive old barn whose sides and front had been removed and replaced with hanging plants. There were lights woven throughout the rafters, and the smell of barbecue was coming from behind the barn. We parked, got out and walked. There were greenhouses, a covered bridge over a creek, an evergreen maze, gravel paths connecting everything on the property. The smell of the flowers and plants was so fresh.

As I walked, I realized that God had brought us to this place, that he was there with us, and it spoke deeply to my soul in so many ways... that he had blessed me in such a personal way on my birthday, that he knew this would be so calming for me in the midst of my struggle, that seeing this place-- a place where human beings have taken the earth that God created and formed it into a place of beauty, peace, and order through their God-given creative minds and bodies-- would be a gift of great value to me. This was a worshipful time for both of us. We lingered, reflecting on the nature and person of God-- so good, so kind, so beautiful. I was overwhelmed by the clear, overt presence of God and his blessing in my life, even in ways that may seem insignificant to an outsider but to me meant so much.

In our meanderings, a man emerged from the smokehouse behind the barn and we talked for a minute. Trevor reminded me it was time to go eat, so we left... we drove back down to the restaurant, and we were the first people there. They told us we would have to wait a minute to eat because the ribs weren't ready yet. Ribs, you may ask? Why yes. This was what is known as a barbecue brunch. They only have them four times a year, and we happened to come on one of those Sundays. We sat down at a table, looked up, and saw the mountain man from the smokehouse walk in the door! He was bringing the barbecue he had been cooking up at the barn. Turns out the barn and the restaurant are owned by the same couple (mountain guy and his wife, who we also met), and they own a couple other things in the area... a mercantile, and some cabins that they rent out.

This meal was the best meal I have ever eaten. Serious thought went into every part of it. Beautiful music was playing. It caused us to wonder at what the marriage supper of the Lamb will be like. We were filled with hope. God spoke to me that morning-- he showed me that he is a feast. Knowing him is a feast of blessing. We ate, amazed at God's goodness toward us, and sharing this special time together. It was wonderful.

mountains

We spent the last weekend in the mountains of East Tennessee, near Smoky Mountain National Forest, with some of our extended family on my dad's side. This is my spiritual birthplace-- Greeneville, TN is where God first visited me and broke into my life with his grace. This is such a special place for Trevor and I... so pivotal in our life story. God met me here again this weekend on my birthday, May 30. I'll do a detailed post on that this week, but for now, these are some shots of the view from the balcony of our cabin. My cousin Carla chose a beautiful hideaway high up on a mountain for us to gather. Creation cries out that God is amazing and lovely beyond belief-- a feast to behold.